The Transporter Refueled

THE TRANSPORTER REFUELED

Written by Adam Cooper, Bill Collage & Luc Besson

Directed by Camille Delamarre

Starring Ed Skrein, Ray Stevenson, 2012 Audi S8 Sedan 

The 2012 Audi S8 sedan: slick, streamlined, both a testament to modern engineering and a hark back to classic design. It is a car uniquely prepared for any environment, be it on the streets of Paris, the sands of European beaches, or on the set of a hackneyed piece of shit like The Transporter Refueled.

And who’s the lucky guy behind the Audi wheel in this new entry to the franchise? Why, it’s Frank (Ed Skrein) – you might not recognise him as Daario Naharis from TV’s Game Of Thrones because it took the show’s producers only one season to realise they’d cast someone with the charisma and charm of an empty bin and replace him with someone less rubbish.

“We developed Frank’s character to be less of a caricature,” says director Camille Delamarre, with no discernible sense of irony. He’s done this by adding in a soldier’s backstory for Frank and a “tense relationship with his father” – also named Frank (Ray Stevenson).

Skrein says of his character, “When the film begins, he’s like an island, and the car is like his sidekick.” And what a sidekick – this beast comes with more horsepower and depth than any other character on screen, sheering around corners with absolute grace amidst weightless CGI cop car crashes.

Its gleaming, polished surfaces even manage to distract from the “pack of fierce beauties” that are Skrein’s cunning yet expendable co-stars – a cadre of “four incredibly good-looking female characters”, abused women ostensibly attempting to escape the sex trade, but who still reward the film’s protagonist and his dad with their bodies.

Yes, there’s a tastefully shot (read: safe M15+) scene where Frank gets it on with Anna (Loan Chabanol), Frank Sr. has it off with both Qiao (Wenxia Yu) and Maria (Tatiana Pajkovic), and poor ol’ Gina (Gabriella Wright) is left out of the boner fest because she happens to have a bullet wound. She would have been much comfier if they’d laid her down in the stylish interior of the 2012 Audi S8 sedan: très magnifique.

This would have also created the exquisite juxtaposition of the female body and the car, the two products on display. Because after all, The Transporter Refueled is not a film: it is a 96-minute ad, one that comes burdened with overwhelming clichés, overwhelming sexism and – its greatest sin – not enough entertainment value to warrant any attempt to overlook its flaws.

Thank goodness, then, that we have the 2012 Audi S8 sedan to remind us of what true craftsmanship can be. Thank you, Audi.

(all quotes taken from The Transporter Refueled press release)

★

The Transporter Refueled is in cinemas on Thursday September 3.

Post originally printed in The Brag, available at http://thebrag.com/arts/transporter-refueled